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The other day Huck gave me an extra rough kiss and then said in total earnestness, “Sometimes love hurts, Mommy.”
It got us talking about the ways love can make us feel sad, like when Shannon visited last month and then had to leave. Or like when Max died last November, to which Huck said something awful like, ‘Well, that didn’t really hurt.”
Now Huck’s a professional kindergartener, walking alone into a classroom full of people he doesn’t know at 8:30 every morning and not returning to me till 2:50. It’s a pretty big stretch for the two of us, seeing as how we usually spend all our days together.
(Then I started jury duty today, his second full day of school, but that’s another story.)
And while I’m very happy to send Huck off to this next big part of his life and while I can’t get enough detail about his very fun sounding 6 hours and 20 minutes without me, I am slowly but surely falling apart.
About a week before he began school I stopped sleeping, finding myself strangely worried about his lunch. I began searching my friends and various websites for the perfect lunch bag with all the accessories (like easy to open containers) until finally I found myself on the floor of Target with about eight options in front of me as I tried to make the right decision. After 15 minutes or so Troy came around the corner and practically whispered, “Is everything going OK?” as if I were a completely insane person about to receive shock therapy. It was then that I realized I was secretly very worried about Huck going off to kindergarten, and all my anxiety was being shoved into a compact little lunch box. With thermos. (Which he had to get an adult to help him open today, despite our many successful practice sessions at home.)
In one week’s time along with the worry-insomnia I also got an ear infection followed by horrible allergies followed by a canker sore that made eating painful and nearly impossible. And on my first solo grocery shopping excursion I bought him a cheapo butterfly silly-band bracelet from the gumball machine and it broke within seconds of being worn by him.
Huck’s right. Sometimes love hurts.
i’m still peeking around the corner whispering, “is everything ok?”
Oh Mama! I just love the image of you on the floor at Target. What a wonderful Mama. And just think…summer is just around the corner! xoxo
Oh, Jonny! What a gorgeous story! I love that you write. I love that you love. Sometimes it hurts, but where would we be without it. You’re one terrific Mom. (and Troy’s a pretty terrific Dad and husband!) Love you guys!
Truly, what a wonderful mama (I just accidentally wrote “Troy, what a wonderful mama.”)
Shannon, I, Troy, know that she’s a wonderful mom. Truly.
Jonny. I feel your pain. I see Gus for five days and then I don’t see him for two days and so on. (For those of you who don’t know me, I’m “unmarried” in Gus language.) But in a funny way, it may be much the same. separation is separation. It hurts but its also an opportunity for self care and finding some of what we had before the baby appeared. NOTE: I realize this is different for moms…
Regardless, the fact of the matter is, there’s no way to stop change and time and all the collisions between the past and the present. At times, I have to keep myself strong and not fall prey to dark thoughts. But once I win that battle, I realize that there is no thing happening here that is not natural and meant to be. A child begins to find their way in the world and whether it is by way of a kindergarten classroom or a divorce, they must make that journey. They are growing into the world. And in order to do that, they have to grow away from us (a little at a time, step by step). Ultimately, it seems to me, our next task as parents is to live well and show them how it is done as individuals. So that the bond of parent and baby is replaced by the bond of human beings. Or some such thing. I’m still thinking about this.
So, hows this for a postscript on my previous post. Sharron sent me this a day or so ago…
“gus is doing well. i asked him if he wanted to call you today. he said, “no, that’s okay.” i asked if he misses you and he had the GREATEST response: “My daddy’s too good to be missed.” HOW ABOUT THAT!? Love our boy.”
Not to get all my personal stuff all over your blog, but we’ll if we don’t speak life it all get’s too silent.
Oh, what a lovely blog Jonny. Thanks for sharing these moments. Love & miss you guys.
xo
Kathy
a/k/a neighbor lady (now in Michigan)