Still out of breath over here, running alongside Huck on his journey to college, my questions still punishable by death stares. Months ago one of my student’s parents told me that she loved her oldest son’s senior year of high school and found the college application process to be very exciting. I tried to be like her; I failed immediately. I saw a meme the other day that said, “I try to be nonchalant, but under the surface I’m chalant AF.” This is my new life motto.

We went to Kansas for Thanksgiving, and pretty quickly Huck had lots of questions to answer over and over again with me, again, running alongside trying to finish sentences that I felt could be more concise and clear to these grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins that haven’t learned words like “Early Decision.” One night he sat with his Aunt Tina talking for over an hour (like the old friends they are) about anxiety for the future he’s trying so hard to get. I was in and out of the room, so nonchalant, hearing things like: “This is the first time in my life I don’t actually know where I’ll be in ten months.”

You know how God made babies really cute so we don’t kill them? I similarly feel that God made high school seniors unbearable to their parents so we’re ready for them to move far, far away in, say, ten months. My sister recently sent me another meme with this definition of College: “The opposite of kidnapping. They demand a huge amount of money or they’ll send your kid back home.”

But of course all of this is just me trying to be nonchalant. Underneath my heart palpitations and insomnia, I too am fearful of this unknown future that requires essays, applications, and an absurd amount of financial information. PBS NewsHour commentator and Washington Post writer Michael Gerson died recently, and this is an essay he wrote in 2013 about taking his oldest son to college:

Michael Gerson Essay

Here’s the part that really got me: “Parenthood offers many lessons in patience and sacrifice. But ultimately, it is a lesson in humility. The very best thing about your life is a short stage in someone else’s story.” We are at the end of giving Huck most everything he needs to begin his life without us, or at least with us playing much smaller roles. Until that moment comes, here I’ll be, out of breath, chalant AF.

(Top B&W Picture by Aunt Tina & her New Phone)